


Pristine arms

by Sweet_anime02



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Based on mush roomies vid, Character Death, Crying, Death, Funeral, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, aghh, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-03-13 12:09:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13570323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweet_anime02/pseuds/Sweet_anime02
Summary: Connor wakes up in the orchard. Evan is looking for him. Shitty summary but try it outBased on mush roomies video Pristine arms.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so heavy angst I'm sorry. This is my first fic I hope you enjoy

Awoken suddenly by the pounding of footsteps vibrating through the ground to his overly sensitive ears, Connor slowly sat up, leaning back on the rough bark of the tree. His vision was fuzzy as he stood, slowly, watching the leaves fall in a blurred formation. The thudding footsteps got closer. He looked to his bare arms, pristine and pale in the light. His head swam with confusion at how bare they were, but his thoughts were too muddled to comprehend the lack of cuts and scars. 

A trembling, worried voice accompanied the quickening footsteps. "Connor! Where are you? P-please come home." The voice wavered, "Please..."  
He smiled slightly. It was Evan. His Evan. He came for him. 

The memories came flooding back to him. Back to his shitty day at school. Another joke on his mental health's behalf, "Very school shooter chic". Echo's of ethereal laughs, taunting and mocking him. The sharp sting on his cheek as his father- no- Larry's heavy palm collided with it, a cry of "faggot" on his tongue. He remembered running out into the night, keys in hand as he swung into his truck and speeded the length down to the abandoned orchard. His mind went fuzzy again. 

Evan was running- his breath coming out in short puffs of air as he was so out of breath. Connor smiled to himself as Evan came into view. He held his arms out in waiting- watching as Evans eyes filled with tears as he saw him. He smiled to himself as be braced his body for Evans impact. But it never came. 

Evan ran past him a small sob ripped from his throat as he screamed Connors name over and over, begging for a reply. Connor turned. He saw what Evan saw. Himself. 

He hung limply from the branch of the tree, swaying slightly in the breeze as the blood coloured leaves fell around him. His eyes widened in horror. There was a serene expression plastered on his face yet his cheeks were still stained with dried tears and a hint of blood. the sleeves of his hoodie were rolled up, revealing the pale silver scars that adorned them. They were sliced though over and over with now drying crimson blood that had dripped from his forearm to his fingertips. 

He watched as Evan fell to his knees before him, Connors name whispered over and over like a silent prayer on his tongue. Connor fell to his knees next to him. He watched as Evan slowly stood, and with more strength than he ever possessed, removed the noose from around his neck and laid his pale body down on the bed of scarlet leaves. He held his bloody hand in his own, lifted it to his lips and kissed them lightly. He whispered 'come home' into the joint fingers and began to sob silently. 

Connor felt his heart shatter as he realised what he had done. The final worrying text of "I Love You"- words he had never uttered before- to Evan, who had inevitably panicked when he awoke to it.   
He reached forward and grasped Evans other hand- praying that he could feel his presence, however the only thing that happened was a heartbroken scream to rip from Evans throat. He sobbed into the joined hands of his dead body while Connor held him tightly, sobbing with him in the regret of his decision, in losing his soulmate. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The funeral.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo I thought why not add more angst... I'm sorry XD

Evan Hansen finds it hard to breathe sometimes. I mean he tries to when his lungs tighten, doing the exercises that Dr Sherman taught him (In for 5, hold 4, out 5). There were times when he didn’t even try at all. When his lings constrict he just… lets them. He just stops. He just stops breathing. Until it burns and his vision goes fuzzy from the lack of oxygen. 

Connor would always hold him when he was like this. His arms would wrap themselves comfortably around his shaking frame and Evan would focus on Connors heartbeat. Connor would instruct him; “breathe with me Evan…” he would whisper into his ear. But Connor’s not here anymore. 

Evan let his lungs burn today. He woke up to the sound of his mother knocking gently on the door, for a moment he had forgotten the terrible night he had had just a week ago. For a moment he could feel Connors arms wrapped around him, his hair tickling his neck as he snuggled deeper into the covers. Then it just came crashing back as he looked to his closet door; the black suit hung neatly from a hanger on it. He closed his eyes. If he could just forget all that had happened, forget all about Connor, maybe his lungs wouldn’t burn like they did now. He got up hesitantly, putting on the suit and tie. He didn’t eat any of the pancakes his mom graciously made this morning, just pushing them around the plate as his mom gazed heartbrokenly at her lost little boy. 

They drove in relative silence, Heidi trying to make awkward small talk to the silent boy in the passenger seat. It was too soon when they were there. 

The ceremony was… something. A small speech from a sniffling Cynthia Murphy, her husband was stone-faced beside her, not a trace of emotion on his face. Zoe didn’t speak. She was too… angry. Angry at stupid Connor for leaving so many things unsaid between them. Angry at her parents for not helping him sooner. Angry at herself. She didn’t listen, watch for the signs. She…

Evan sat silently the whole time. He didn’t breathe- well he thought he didn’t. When everybody stood, black roses in hand, to pay respects to the late Connor Murphy, one by one, he took a breath. Connor looked so peaceful. The bloody wrists he had been tormented to see when he found Connor hanging in the orchard were covered by the arms of the neat black suit he had been placed in. his eyes were closed- god how Evan wished he could see Connors beautiful eyes again. When he stood next to the coffin- that’s when he took the breath. Deep gasping breaths, his eyes stinging. He placed the rose next to Connors face, where his hair framed like a halo around it- and it all stopped. The stinging in his eyes overflowed onto his cheeks. He screamed out- sobbing next to Connors body- screaming “how could you leave me” over and over. He felt his mom reach for him- tears filling her own eyes- but he pushed her away and continued to cry. He reached for Connors cold hand as he cried. He felt Zoe and Cynthia tugging at him- until it just stopped. Zoe pulled him away. They were both crying. She pulled him close in the back of the church and they sobbed into each other’s shoulders- supporting each other. 

_Evan Hansen couldn’t fucking breathe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahahahahaha I'm crying again.... sorry dudes T-T


	3. DISCORD SERVER

Hey guys! I have joined a really cool musical themed discord server created by @PaleNoFace and I'm a mod there. It's really cool so guys if you want to join here's the link! We have karaoke days and we are planning other cool events for you!  
https://discord.gg/nVGFqX5  
Hope I'll see you there!

**Author's Note:**

> Okaaaaay so please dont kill me. I cried while writing this haha. Check out the video it is based on if you havent already. all ideas and credit goes to them.  
> https://youtu.be/npmuSrCiWxg  
> Please comment and Kudos <3


End file.
